The Day We Met

It was June 20, 2011. The last day of spring. I woke up at around 3 am with tons of pain in my lower back. I had back pain for the past few months, but this time it was more intense and painful. I woke up your dad and made him rub my back for almost 2 hours. Right around 5 I felt my first contraction. I had already been dilated to a 3 for the majority of the month so when I got to the hospital and was still at a 3 I felt defeated. I remember going up to the delivery room and laying in bed, breathing through my contractions and thinking that I could do it. The pain was nowhere near what I thought it would be. Dr. Chinn came to check in on me and to my dismay we were still at a 3. It took hours to get to a 4 and as soon as that happened Dr. Chinn decided to break my water. I was terrified because I had heard before that the contractions get more frequent and more intense after your water was broken. She took a long needle with a hook on the end and stuck it up. I felt a gush of water. I was starting to realize how real this all was and began to freak out a little. The contractions got more intense. The pain was unbearable and I could not handle it. At that moment all my thoughts of a natural birth went out the window and I told them I wanted the epidural. When the anesthesiologist came into our room to prepare me for the epidural I couldn't hold still. I was trying my hardest to breathe through each contraction but it was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life. I was finally still as the contraction left and he inserted the needle into my spine. Unaware that there was supposed to be any pressure I let out a small scream, scaring the shit out of the anesthesiologist. He (then) informed me that I would feel pressure (I'm pretty sure that was out of order, shouldn't he have warned me first?) The nurse helped me lay back down and get comfortable. I could still move my legs, but I couldn't walk because though I could still feel them, my legs felt like jelly. The contractions though, were gone. I could breathe again. Your daddy napped most of the time we were there so I tried to read but I couldn't even finish one page because my mind was racing. Any time now I would get to meet you. I felt like I had waited so long and now that it was time I was so scared. I kept thinking "what if I'm not a good mom?" "what if she's so small I'm scared to hold her?" At around 3 pm the nurse came in to check me. I was dilated to an 8 and 100% effaced. 15 minutes later she came back to check me again, this was it. I was at a 10 and she told me that as soon as Dr. Chinn arrived back at the hospital I could start pushing. I was so anxious. I was elated and terrified to meet you all at the same time, and when Dr. Chinn walked into the room my fear just became that much more. At 3:30 pm I started pushing. My contractions slowed down and there was 10 minutes between each one. Since I couldn't feel my contractions they kept telling me when to push. Eventually they gave up on it and told me to push when it felt like I was contracting. From 4 o'clock they kept telling me they could see your head. Then your heart rate started dropping and they put an oxygen mask on me. I will never forget that moment because I was terrified. Your heart rate sped back up and I was able to take the oxygen mask off. I was getting so frustrated because if you were that close why couldn't I get you out? Around 4:15 I gave up on waiting for the contractions. I wanted you out so I just kept pushing and at 4:31 pm you entered the world. You had a big lump on the left side of your head because you were crooked in utero which is why it was so hard to push you out. You had a full head of extremely dark hair and the second you came out I heard you cry. The moment Daddy and I saw you we were both in tears. After 39 weeks 2 days and 12 and a half hours of labor we finally got to meet our baby girl. After that things started getting a little crazy. I had torn so badly while pushing you out that it took Dr. Chinn nearly 2 hours to stitch me back up. Luckily the epidural had not completely worn off because I couldn't feel it. After that was done we tried to feed you. We had you latched on trying to breastfeed and I desperately needed some water. I felt dehydrated, my lips and throat were dry and when I got the water I felt as though I couldn't get enough. I chugged 32 ounces of water then ended up vomiting all over myself and you. (Sorry baby) The nurses took you and cleaned you up and then after the epidural was worn off enough that I could walk they helped me into the bathroom to clean me up. As I got up more blood gushed all over the floor.I got into the bathroom then sat on the toilet and all of a sudden my hearing was gone. I could still see but was starting to get very dizzy and see double. I got weak and cold and thankfully that's when the nurse came in to check on me. She called for help and another nurse came in and held me up. They took a small thing of ammonia and broke it open in front of my nose and then suddenly I snapped back. They put me in a wheelchair and started wheeling me into my room and it took awhile before I was back to normal. The pain of the contractions was nowhere near the pain I felt after the epidural was totally gone. I couldn't sit up straight because my tailbone hurt so bad. I couldn't walk because the stitches hurt so bad, and my back hurt from the epidural. There was no way I could get comfortable. I was covered in so many bodily fluids and couldn't shower because moving hurt. Despite all the pain, it was the best day of my life. Meeting you changed me in so many ways I didn't even know was possible. I love you with all my heart and soul. There is no greater joy in life than the day you meet your child.